Today did therapy down in the rolling hills of the Palouse. I wasn’t as inspired by the hills as usual but on the way back, I definitely was.
I worked out the last two days and that was cool. I am feeling better.
Today in therapy, we talked a ton about this neediness and self-loathing that still swirls in my mind. We’re going to tackle it for the next two months and hit it hard, rewire the brain. I might even do some video of it. We’ll see. I basically am tired of the negative thinking and being and the neediness that comes and goes leaving me completely destabilized to attempt anything at all.
I asked about where this came from basically. Why do I go toward helpfulness immediately, have no boundaries and then am freaked out when something happens.
In our family w/ my Dad being so sick all the time, I was sort of invisible, both of us were. I found that being helpful got a lot of attention. I started being helpful to everyone and got attention. It became my way to feel significant and also fits in w/ my religious upbringing to do good to everyone all the time.
Being kind and deeply thoughtful is very important to me. I still love being that kind of person and continue to be affirmed that some of time I have spent being uniquely thoughtful to people has meant a great deal to them. That feels like gold.
This is something bigger that I can’t turn off. It’s almost compulsive and I also don’t have a lot of filtering. I tend to just keep helping and doing regardless. I react on impulse instead of considering or thinking. So on it goes then I get angry at all the time I spend and end up feeling worthless because I can tell what I want to do and my gifts aren’t being used. The cycle continues.
It was very insightful and it will be some significant work here in the next few months to go through all of this every other week. It’s just what we have to do.
I took a few photos of hills today but the sun wasn’t out much so pretty flat sortof like how I felt.
When I woke up today, I felt different. I felt lighter and happier and not so flat and numb. I went to bed being grateful and thankful and hadn’t given into the bad feelings I’d had at the hospital.
In therapy, Kay said it was good of me to resist those feelings and to do other things to divert my mind. My limbic system was being triggered and what I was feeling wasn’t real. She reminded me of the things to do when that happens to get your system back online: cold cloth on your neck, deep breathing, essential oils… basically shock your system back to normal and out of the looping. Your brain is shut down but you’re trying t solve problems so the OCD looping starts.
She said that was correct to not cry and get wound up, to resist it all and do something else. So I didn’t and it didn’t take me down. I was tough.
Onward.