I went to the hospital this evening to hang w/ a friend whose baby is recovering from RSV.
It’s very exhausting and scary but he’s improving and a trooper as they all are in that family.
I started to have the needy feelings coming a little followed closely by the feelings that I was a horrible mom. This gal is badass and super outdoorsy and confident as a mom and her kids are amazing. And she’s kind and wise. And normal.
I was fighting it sitting there, not wanting to have less positive comments or thoughts, not talk about hard things as that’s my biggest goal this year besides doing my own art or comedy or whatever.
And I walked to the car and I thought I need to just get to the car and cry and then I’ll be okay.
But I didn’t want to cry.
And i didn’t want to be sad or feel any of these feelings. I didn’t want to feel like a bad mom because I wasn’t and I’m not. I didn’t want to have the same shitty tape playing in my head that my kids barely want to be with me and that no one really likes me and I can’t believe people want me around.
That was really coming on strong.
So I didn’t, I DID NOT give in for once in my life.
I drove home thinking about going to the gym. I thought about the good things I’ve done as a mom and all my friends that like me and that i like me. And I just decided to not go there.
I went to the gym and did a medium workout then came home and watched more comedy and felt energized by not letting myself get triggered and get into that dark spiral.
I want to be resilient and I want to stop believing these lies. I want to improve and keep getting healthier but I also want to be happy in the process and relaxed and enjoying my life as I go along.
So this was a big evening for me.
I’ve never really done that before. I’ve sort of lived with the thought that I need to cry if I feel the need to cry. But then, what if the emotions getting you to that point aren’t accurate? So then crying is a waste of energy as well!??
It just felt good to not go down the rabbit hole and get tough with myself about refusing those thoughts.
On we do go.