Saturday mornings in the past have caused me heartache.
I often feel lost.
Who am I? What do I do today? Do I just keep working? Do I take a day off? What does that look like? Do I call someone to hang out??
Not today.
Today, this weekend, we’re rocking to Beyonce and dreamin’. I’m writing, planning my books, planning projects.
I SAID IT.
Planning projects.
I got my own ideas and projects, not just hitching on to other people’s projects and doing that.
It’s scary but pretty much every quote or wisdom teaching on reaching goals talks about how what you need and want and dream about is on the other side of your fears.
In the mornings, I’m groggy. I don’t have a lot of ideas.
I use that time to stumble around, empty the dishwasher, make my bed, stretch, take meds. Exercise. Light my smoky candles and incense. Pray and connect to myself for another day. Let my mind be at rest. Accept the way my body needs to be. Stop forcing and pushing. Let the beauty flow best when it needs to.
That’s a plan. That’s not a non-life. That’s not just stumbling around. That is listening and crafting a life based on reality and being human.
*****
I visited my friend Sandy this evening. We’ve been friends for over thirty years. She and her husband were actually running the small group and church I went to while I was in college. They live in town now and she has MS. Along w/ her MS has come pretty severe anxiety.
She’s had a horrible mental break the last several months. I feel so bad for both of them, she and her husband. Anxiety robs you of daily living and life. Sitting here, watching TV, puppers chewing on a bone, warm outside, these are just the lovely, normal things of life that one takes for granted. These things are not possible when you’re tied in knots.
I’ve been so caught up in my own life that I’ve missed some of what’s been going on with them. We aren’t super close, meaning spend regular time together, but we’ve been friends for decades and spend time together on and off. Sandy is open and honest with me, and I with her.
It’s taken me back to where I was just last week, curled up in balls, unaware of what to do next, having regular waves of anxiety. I got into see a doctor quickly, because I’ve had access to resources.
Driving home, I thought again about how I can truly help people as well as exploring my creative interests. Much to consider.
*****
Sunday was Easter.
I spent the later morning and earlier afternoon with friends from our little spiritual journey group. We had brunch together that they planned and cooked. We added in a few ingredients but they did the bulk of the cooking. It was incredibly pleasant, peaceful, cheerful and joy-filled. Their girls are active and entertain themselves making crafts, playing games and with each other. It’s just a beautiful place to be.
We had an interesting conversation about resurrection and Easter. I loved hearing what people shared about what it means to them now. Resurrection is congruent with all of nature. Resurrection isn’t a one-time event. Embracing death and life daily. Just good, good thoughts.
We went on a long walk and the kids played in the arboretum. They splashed in the stream and crawled around on rocks. It seemed like an altogether amazing Easter day out with the spirit present in each other and nature.
My heart has been heavy for my friend and her illness and her husband, now more of a caretaker than ever. Another friend is having ongoing health issues that aren’t resolving. El’s kitty is sick and may not recover. It’s a tough time in the midst of a beautiful time.
And that’s life.