From OnBeing’s latest episode, an interview w/ Bessel van der Kolk:
The big issue for traumatized people is that they don’t own themselves anymore. Any loud sound, anybody insulting them, hurting them, saying bad things, can hijack them away from themselves. And so what we have learned is that what makes you resilient to trauma is to own yourself fully.
Fam is here in San Diego staying at our friend’s house while they’re away.
I have felt numbness about them coming, unsure how they view me and if we’re a burden or they really want to be here.
They are excelling and expanding themselves while I feel stuck.
I feel horrified and numb that I have landed here with even all the work in the past.
So I feel like crying.
We had a wonderful Christmas morning celebration with the stockings from home. Their presents were the trip down here and stocking stuffers.
I read some affirmations this morning and did my meditation. What is triggering me to be off balance? What people and situations?
Mainly being places where people are successful. I feel Jay and I feed on our unsuccess w/ our company. It seems it’s never enough even with $2 million in revenue. I don’t feel I handle it very well, mostly reacting in fear and not thoughtful planning. I take our lack of success personally and am always fearful about the future.
Jay tasted it I guess when he woke up last weekend and felt my anxiety.
So I just feel awful and will try and put my tools in action if only to be more present and happy for everyone and not a downer.
My kids are thriving and I’m happy for them. We raised them well.
I wish I could have some emotional freedom. I am hopeful that the neural feedback and codependents anonymous will help this year.
God, I need help. I am tired of my mind and how I think. I’d love to start being creative again and start feeling successful. It has eluded us in our business. I am grateful for it in our family.
I am trying to have compassion for Jay. I have resented him mostly with how he has communicated over the years about many things. It’s often left me feeling unheard and disrespected which doesn’t really make sense but it’s how it’s unfolded.
In reading about codependency, it makes more sense some of the lingering big issues I struggle with.
I would say I’m tired of thinking and wondering.
*****
I spent about an hour just boogie boarding this afternoon early and then watched KT and hubs for their time. This has happened several times now, where just being in the water that much with that much intensity and energy takes my energy away.
It happened last summer at Lake CdA. And happened when I was here in September. And happened again today.
I think it’s a combination of awe, movement and somehow giving my brain something else to focus on. The entire experience of being in the water and feeling the water and energy and also watching the patterns and how ocean water moves, it’s literally endless.
I think my brain sometimes wants to really wrap things up and get things finished. That can’t be done w/ the ocean.
So I accept it and accept my place in the world and in my own life and stay in the moment.
So yeah, the rest of my day was so much better. I am enjoying being around the three kids. We’re just hanging out and having fun. It’s relaxing. I watched some shows, they did video stuff and El is listening to a book and doing Sudoku. It feels like a family.
*****
I was thinking some more about the wonder of what I’ll do next and how hard it is not to know and feel paralyzed. II hope I can figure it out.
I remember as I was winding down at the office in 2016, I had hired an exec coach. That is so crazy and where I was at. I finally had to stop because I realized I couldn’t focus. I needed to heal. I still haven’t gone back to that but probably need to do something like that.
A coach as I’m having a nervous breakdown. That’s rich. Yep that’s rich.
I also feel self-conscious that I don’t have my act together and wish I did. My friend’s house is really wonderful. She’s messier than me, has more art and I think, probably is feeling more fulfilled in her life. I am trying to become inspired and not overwhelmed or envious I guess.
I am always amazed by people who seem to know who they are. I have some of that but not enough to put together a whole person.
*****
One thing really proud of, we were trying to figure out what to do while we were here. This am, I did research then put together a long list of things to do and grouped it all by type. Then I left everyone read it. It made me feel like I was honoring being helpful but also recognizing everyone is an adult. I had time to do the research and did it then handed it over.
I was fun to organize something and also acknowledge that no one wants to hear me talk and coordinate a big meeting about what we’re doing.
I also left all the papers and wrapping laying around instead of frantically cleaning it up. I also am going to stop taking photos :) Or try at least.
*****
FYI, the little cat that lives here is very unhappy her people have left her. She is sitting by the door that leads to the garage and complaining. Alot. And loudly.
I have ended the day better by not obsessing about myself and my mind. Maybe just doing my thing and being myself will be okay. Maybe obsessing is way, way worse than just being my normal self.
However, I’ve worked hard on my normal self to be a bit more normal or at least stable and kind and functional. So normal took a lot of work for me.
My kids need me now to just be healthy and enjoy my own life. They don’t want me hovering or needy.
I am enjoying getting back into other topics of study like art, the movies, current events, etc. I am reading a book late tonight that they have laying here on art history.
Our friends have an interesting and varied life. They are not following a blueprint other than the one in their souls together. They enjoy culture but are making their own culture.
What is my culture? What is our family culture? Today? I could have told you what it was several years ago. Now it is changing shape and taking new forms.
The energy of God in the waves.
I love the rolling hills of the Palouse. They saved my life actually. I love their cousins the mountains. But I never want to be far from the ocean much again. I hope I can get closer and closer as the years go by.
I love the deep dark winter of the lake that John’s sister lives on. I have always loved the drive out there and the drive home. It makes me feel rich, and this year, it moved me to tears.
Maybe I’ll end up being one of those people like Liz Gilbert, where I’m more the visitor and less the one w/ the house that everyone comes to. Maybe that changes with time as well.
Right now, there are people that need to be with us in our home to heal. It’s a place of healing for some people and a little for us. It needs too much work to feel like a healthy place for Jay and I, but it is still serving many purposes.