Tonight is Christmas Eve.
Our kids are both in Seattle doing other things together, not sure exactly what.
We had dinner at our favorite local natural deli/grocery store. A guy sat down near us that works for the parks department. We got to talking about his work in the parks and his regular, daily life. He had an in-depth knowledge of the main park he’s in and alot of history about how it’s managed, the budget, etc.
I think I might remember that as being what I would love more of year-round and at the holidays. Some years, I’d like to take a break from tradition and do something different, like that. Or go to a place that people visit that have no where else to go. There are millions of them.
Sometimes people like to be alone; sometimes it’s really hard.
It’d be nice to be there for people that wish they had someone to spend time with.
That’s something I’ve always wanted to add into our holidays, and it’s never worked. I think it’s time I start considering those things and not just do what I’ve always done. What would it be like to do something completely different? We’ve been doing some of that with heading to Seattle for the holidays. Things I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t.
*****
I have been thinking alot about my stress level. It’s been sneaking up on me. My stomach acid is horrible right now and it’s affecting my ears and sinuses and chest and upper stomach. I just don’t realize my diet and stress and some other unknown things are affecting me. Our conversation last weekend about stress was a wake-up call for me.
Even at the holidays, I am always focused on other people, like, one more gift to buy, one more thing to do. Where do I fit in? I think the years of that denial have affected me. It makes it harder to just keep doing what I’ve always done.
I’ve been blessed w/ some stability with family stuff even though the relationships themselves haven’t been the greatest. No one is in jail, my kids haven’t been taken from me by my ex, etc. I’ve been reading about some of the hard stuff people go through and I can be thankful and appreciative of what I’ve had.
So I need to brush up on my toolset for mental health strategies and depression/anxiety. I thought I was doing better than it appears I am.
I’m excited for 2020. I am hopeful it is a year I make headway in the area of saying yes to myself more and less to others. I guess saying yes to others that I’m more interested in helping and yes to myself also.
Less compulsive, distracted helping. Less reactive helping that I do without thinking. Less having my brain just in helping mode all the time. Yeah, switching off this mode that I think got turned on when I was a kid and remember the first few times I made my mom really happy by cleaning the entire house. When other kids were playing, I was cleaning. When other kids went to college, I was home taking care of my parents, both of them, the year mom had chemo. That was my first year of college, living at home, taking care of my parents.
My dad didn’t need help, but he seemed helpless and was beyond doing anything himself. So yeah, I ironed the shirts of my dad while watching Final Four basketball in 1985. I just did that. I shouldn’t have done that. I did it for my mom who shouldn’t have done that but had given up I think doing anything different. It was like trying to change a rock.
I’ve thought about this alot lately and have stopped being so angry. When I see the codependency though, I have to stop and remember how I got here and how I need to wind it back.
I read something the other day, about how some kids are told that “this awful childhood thing made you stronger.” The therapist commenting on that said, no, that’s absolutely not okay. Kids are supposed to be safe and it was not okay they had to handle something as a child that was beyond their ability. It didn’t make them stronger; it messed up their development. I can say yes to that.
So the constant helping and other’s focused thinking and being is from those years. I am a One so there is always the desire to help and reform and improve, but this goes beyond that.
I can look at it and keep making small changes. It’s the layers of the onion.
I’ve come so far and feel very good about the progress this year. At dinner tonight before the stimulating discussion w/ the park dude, we talked about the past year. I started off the positives actually and have some major positives mainly the injections, getting mom settled down, less reactivity overall and more accepting of myself and others. Our marriage has also moved forward significantly. The kids bought a house. Those are good things.
There were intense, negative things as well but I’m hoping those can diminish as I focus on the positives.
It’d be good to ask ourselves what worked and what we might want to have be different next year. We’ve never done that.
A friend mentioned she has two friends who have a marriage summit every year on their anniversary. They sort of do a state of the union and ask if we want to keep doing this. I love that idea. Maybe a new thing to write and journal about.
*****
We just returned from Cmas Eve w/ our dear friends that we met back in the late 90’s. We’re going on 20 years now w/ them. Much of what I learned about community, I learned from them. I soaked up being at their house and having a family to connect to. They are 10 years older than us and like many of our older friends, they felt like siblings that were there to help guide us along.
We came into adulthood missing a lot of pieces. These friends really were the ones to help us get on a good track in many ways and find our footing for how we wanted to live life when much of what we’d had wasn’t what we wanted.
Our group was a little smaller this year but that was okay. We exchanged our sign from our hike that we swap out each year and had a nice meal and conversation. I hope we can travel with them more in the future.
One of the things I admire most about them is they are resilient. They both have had stressful jobs as medical professionals but they don’t complain and they continue to serve others especially in their home after long days. I have much I can still learn from them and just enjoy being together.
Years ago, we had some struggles as we went our separate ways from church splitting up and that sort of thing. Our friendship made it through, and we’re happy to still be close together.
So yes, what do I really want? What has been good about all that has come so far? How much choice did I have in any of it? I can see that God/divine guided us in so many ways. It’d be a good thing to keep trusting that goodness.
And finally, on the complaining thing, they host people all the time and yeah, no complaining. It seems sometimes they’re tired and maybe would like to go to bed earlier. They don’t complain and have little tension between them.
I wish I had more of that! What is the secret there? People only take advantage of you if you let them or you let yourself believe they are? So yeah, more of their goodness, please God. More gratitude and all of that.