Kobe Bryant and a bunch of other people dying…it definitely has made me think and pause about life’s mortality. There are so many reasons that just shouldn’t have happened last Sunday morning, but it did and it’s permanent.
On happier topics, I’m exploring what to do with my blog portfolio and feeling better the last few days as I do more writing and thinking and connecting and planning to get back out there. I’m feeling better about what I’ve accomplished and excited for what is to come.
I dropped offline for a week because I had another round of shots. Those are super painful and I have to manage it closely. I only have a small amount of real pain killers so have to try and ration those and manage other ways. It’s not easy. It’d be nice to have more of a cushion but it’s forced me to explore other ways to relieve pain, probably more than if I had unlimited pain medicine.
It’s just exhausting overall and easy to get down.
Today I worked on the SF clean-up project and did research on the photo blog site.
I also thought this morning a lot about all I’m learning and the themes that are emerging.
One of my themes for this year is lack of negative thinking and perspective. The trials I’ve run w/ it are 100% successful in terms of being worth it. I’ve yet to focus on negative things and have it work out well. So why do it?
Another big thing today, I’m tired of following so many mental health people on Instagram. I’m feeling overwhelmed with information that I can’t process all at once and have become reality in my life, not just my head as a concept.
I’m trying to change and adapt as fast as I can. Tonight I listened to John more and asked more questions. I wasn’t fearful at work regarding the employee we’re struggling a bit with. I was more positive all day. My pain went down.
More thoughts during work: Yesterday, Rohr's readings on unknowing. We can't always know everything. Can we trust in God, ourselves to know when the time comes? The deepest knowing is around love, not intelligence. Love produces connection which humans have to have to survive.
That tied in with my statement from last week'd contemplation on you can't be strong if you're fearful.
Yesterday I thought about then what is fear? Fear is not being confident. What is the positive. I want to be strong, I want to be confident. I want to be It means I can trust. TRUST. Victims of trauma lose the ability to trust. What will it take for me to trust? In myself and others and what will unfold?
So then yesterday I thought about love, love for myself and love for others. What does that look like?
I've done a good job loving others actually. What I need to focus more on is love for myself along w/ continuing to love others.
One thing that came to me last week is that I can't be everything for John and he can't be everything for me. He is also a brother, a son, a dad, a cousin, a friend, on and on. He has other hats and roles and variations and connections that are important for him to explore. I need to have that trust in him and myself and God and life and strength to let him unfurl into those things more as he wants.
How will I do that? When I am able to trust more and embrace trust and embrace healing and feel stable and choose to remember the good that is happening. Keep making lists of what is happening that is real. Don't let my mind wander and be so influenced by random thoughts that come my way. Let them go by. Let them drift away. Note them then stay focused on what is real which is the love in myself that has produced beauty and the love for others that has produced beauty and connection and community. SEE THAT. Own it. Believe in it. Believe you can continue to do that kind of work.
Do more of the long writing that Cody started and talked about. Explore how you feel you have disappeared over the last many years, lost connection and community and how you're trying to rebuild that. You've done it before and can do it again.
Today again Rohr talked about how love is the evidence and uniqueness of Christianity, of Christ's messages.
Write those down again.
Find some commonality in all of this and start to graph and diagram this. Find something I can read and focus on and ground myself each morning so the depression doesn't take so long to dissipate.
One thing I thought about while going to bed last night; I want to be moved by people’s stories and smbols and animals. Those tend to have a profound impact on me.
Okay this is important. I am adding it to my daily list.
It turns out Kobe was impacted by a high school English teacher who talked about Joseph Campbell. It helped him transition to wanting to be more of a storyteller and not just an athlete and business person. Kobe’s spirit is reaching me in his death that wouldn’t have in his life. Kobe was trying to tell stories with his life and words. And he did. He showed us love w/ his kids and other things and that energy spread.
This goes with feeling overwhelmed by all this psychological content. Alot of wisdom seeped into my body and mind and shifted my entire energetic field by studying and modeling the life of Jesus. Think about that. Without all this study and practice, Jesus stories did a lot of the same kind of work. My prayers, my trying to worship and be in awe, this is the same stuff Jesus talked about, saying it’ll change you. It did change me.
This stuff is about our life NOW. It also changes everyone around us.
When we believe this, it changes our bodies and our minds and allows room for reality to come to us that is better for us. We are clearing the runway, opening ourselves up and attracting what is good over what is not. This isn’t about money; this is about life. This is why I was attracted to all the ideas and concepts and truth around community. This is what people need. And somehow, I knew it. I didn’t get it by watching TV or whatever. It came from seeking the divine.
Also bought new book today called Lost Connections. It’s amazing to have someone saying the things that need to be said about connecting w/ others and not needing meds. Our societies are making us sick.
This weekend was actually huge in that I didn’t give in to fear and negativity. I didn’t bring up negative topics the entire weekend when it would have been really easy to. It made it all go better w/ El around in my mind, kept things more positive.
They love me though even if I don’t.