Had a phone therapy session yesterday that was very helpful.
I talked for the first time about my grandma, my dad’s mom, and the relationship we had. I talked about how I only have two recurring dreams and one of them is where I find out my grandma isn’t dead after all. She’s been living for these last 30 years without me and in silence of some kind; I never visited her or did anything. It’s a nightmare.
I wonder if some day I’ll actually go into the room she lives in and tell her that I won’t be seeing her anymore, that she’s fine w/o me and can die and go in peace. Either way, I’m gone. Who knows?
We talked about that and also the ongoing trauma/situation w/ Jay’s bio mom that erupted last weekend.
We talked about my brain and how it’s still hardwired for being needed and necessary to take care of people.
She said this: Anxiety is created when there are no emotional boundaries.
Now that’s a mic drop statement right there.
The anxiety comes when you realize you’re going to be swallowed up to take care of this person’s emotional needs.
All my primary caregivers were unhealthy in many ways, including my grandma whom I spent considerable time with and have realized I never really grieved over appropriately. I told Kay that after her death, our apartment was decorated like it was still my grandma’s living room. It was sick. I was 23 years old, it was 1990. I should have been decorating for myself and for our future life together.
We both laughed and I just said over and over, “This was seriously fucked up, and I haven’t even seen it until now.”
She said this is complicated, hard stuff. This isn’t light and fluffy. It’s significant. It’s probably deep in there somewhere. She said sometimes you have to draw a person out and do a separate timeline experience with them and clear that person from your body. Grandma has always felt like she had clingons of some kind with all the stuff she gave me. I’ve often wanted to get rid of almost everything of hers that I have for some reason. I still feel that way sometimes.
How does this apply to me? Take notes dear and don’t do it to others, esp the kids. j
*****
Today at work, I was happy to be there. I don’t have any direct reports per se. I have a data project I’m enjoying that involves scrubbing our existing accounts and making sure we have plaques in place on the wall, no duplicates in SF, correct opps and other fields up to date. It’s just my kind of thing.
I also had a few meetings I was in where I felt I provided value to the conversation and helped direct discussion. I think sometimes our manager wishes I wasn’t there, but I feel my input is needed. I like being meta but have to not overdue it… makes meetings run too long.
I had dinner w/ the folks and continue to refine and realize what is best for our times together; short, sweet and consistent. Tonight it was dinner for an hour then 5 laps around the floor, a little time in the apartment to check on things and supplies then I’m gone. About an hour and a half, just enough for me.
Then Jay called and said hey, that place below us is having jazz along w/ the wine/cheese scene so I came down and joined him. It was actually super fun and wonderful. It was normal and not like we have to unwind after another horrible day. How many of those have we had??
Tonight at home we talked some about my last therapy session. I was sort of focused on the issues I have and what has made so much of our life and this bio fam stuff hard.
He reminded me that I would have done better overall with everything if I’d been living in a place of abundance and not scarcity.
I’m glad he brought that back up. I tend to get really focused on what my issues are and don’t look around. Then when I let all that unwind too far, I then react and get angry and lash out when I realize I haven’t been balanced in my approach to life. I swing one way to hard and then overcorrect and swing the other way.
The stuff w/ bio mom isn’t easy. I think anyone would feel threatened and Jay feels that as well. She has made some mistakes and has pushed him. He’s pushing back and reminding her he doesn’t need a mother. Those days are over. Whatever needs a mother fulfills, his actual mom has and is fulfilling them. It’s not an easy job, and you give up a lot.
I know John is aware of that. I don’t have to worry that he’s one of those guys that thinks parenting is easy or that all we’ve and I’ve done is insignificant. He’s actually given up a lot for the kids as well. He gets it.
Kay felt it was really good that Jay was affirming to me that he understands the situation, that he can use language that is showing he is with me and is my advocate in the situation.
So I just hope this therapy can continue to help rewire my brain.
I can tell it’s going to be a rough thing, and I know I’ll feel pretty discouraged during some of it. It’s kind of awful to feel how I feel at my age. But on the flip side, it feels miraculous that I get this chance to change. It feels like a miracle because I know millions of people before me and now have felt as dead and numb and messed up as I have and haven’t had any hope. I have hope and already have hope and already have relief in many ways.
Even ten years ago, so much was unknown or unavailable. The use of smartphones for apps that help w/ anxiety, stress, meditation, etc., those are really, really significant tools. My experience w/ my own work each day would be hampered w/o my smartphone. It’s been a life-saver for me in many ways.
I guess I just try to have forgiveness for the people who hurt me and compassion for myself as I go forward.
Even w/ the many privileges that I have had, I did not escape some of the hardest parts of being human. I’m in the mud with it all and have millions and billions that can relate.
So yeah, I want to not be suspicious of anyone. I want to be confident in myself and in our relationship more than anything. I want the sense of crisis to be non-existent. I’m okay with stress, not crisis.
I asked Jay tonight where he’s at on the crisis scale from 1-10 with 10 being servers and down and we’re out of money. He said between a 2-3 most days. He said he’s less in crisis mode now and more in get to the next level mode which is a lot of work.
He wanted to know what I’m doing on writing and photos. I explained that esp. after therapy yesterday, I just want to rest and work and start dabbling in a few other pursuits… but not go full-bore on anything for a minute. Travel, enjoy Jay especially, myself, my other guilty pleasures like my BBC shows esp. in the winter, on and on, ski, stuff like that.
I am not a huge lover of cold weather. I could do San Diego weather pretty easily much of the time I think. But this is what we have now.
I hope Jay and I can get more comfortable w/ our new lives and just blow out having fun and being happy together. It’s sort of what I always hoped for and so did he. I hope it can happen.