Another day at work.
I told Jay yesterday I can’t work a full day there, too much stress and too much flying around. I also can’t fully concentrate and create the training I need to while also training.
I had another breakthrough today however so that’s helpful in terms of how to proceed. We interviewed someone that a week ago had no intention of leaving his current job and now it looks like he might join us. He would be the most experienced sales person we’ve ever had.
I get restless in the evenings as I start to wonder about my life and I have free time which I don’t still know what to do with. Tonight though has been a little different.
I’m working really hard on being positive and seeing the positive and the funny in everything. Mom sent me a cryptic voice message this evening and something about going back to their place they were in before. I had a few moments of panic and felt the choice to go to the dark side again, but then just decided I didn’t want to invest the energy. I also thought it could be funny if I let it:
“Tiny, frail man demands to be returned to his giant log home 45 minutes outside the city. Demands full-time care for himself and his wife. Will pay with grunts.”
Now that is funny…
It feels good to laugh and realize how ludicrous this is. He has no money. He can’t drive. He can’t cook or take care of himself. Mom still does all the laundry. He can’t even stand upright without a walker. It’s crazy-making. I’m glad we’re getting away for a long weekend next weekend.
Tonight I watched some of Pete Holmes show Crashing. I got super triggered during episode 4 of Season One. It’s a conversation with his parents where his wife blows the story that they’re getting divorced. His parents say insane things like “We sent you to Christian camps and schools so this wouldn’t happen. You have to win her back. That’s what God would want.” Stuff like that. Stuff I could hear my parents saying and have had similar conversations. Ludicrous stuff.
It made me again realize how crazy this has all been, coming out of the evangelicalism.
But then I get a letter from our friends in France doing amazing work w/ mostly Muslim kids in poverty, and I’m blown away by the lives that they’re changing with their work. Kids and women especially who wouldn’t have a chance without their ministry. They are more ecumenical and read the people I am, but they use salvation language which the people they help are in fact saved from horrible lives. I don’t know what else they believe honestly.
These things make me question and wonder as I wander around trying to find what my anchor is spiritually anymore.
So for now, it’s nature, laughter, my hubs, friends, being more creative and Jesus. Still can’t get over the story and life of Jesus the Mystic who held it all together.
Lastly I got more shots today. I’m doing prolo therapy and ozone therapy. The doc doesn’t have colleagues anywhere in Washington State let alone my city. His colleagues are around the country and the world. He’s incredibly cutting edge and he’s doing it in my hometown. Today I was medicine free and the pain is manageable.
I’m tired of meds and drugs and being lethargic on meds. I’d love to feel strong again and feel like I can control my life somewhat. The pain makes me feel like I can’t make plans or get excited about anything. I never know how I’ll feel.
I just feel like I’ve been given this amazing opportunity to heal and recover from debilitating pain. I want to be grateful, to share the word, to heal and live a full life of gratitude and thanks. I want to enjoy my life and be who I was supposed to be. I think that’s what the world needs, what my version of God or Jesus or me is meant to be.
People that are joining the company right now are freaking out. The guy we interviewed today was like, “You guys are killing me. I can’t believe all you have for your employees right here. When our ops manager told him about our Thursday beer afternoons, he was in shock. He just said nothing good like that happens in corporate America anymore.
I want to feel good about that and believe it’s going to come together. I feel like the people we have have good energy. They want to be there, they want to create something, they want to contribute.
I realized last night at the party that I’m just spent. I didn’t want to help much at all. I’m worn out on all of it. I want to sit back and enjoy it, relax and realize it’s not going to get taken away or we’re not going to get sued again. Yeah, we got sued by our partners, twice. Insane. No wonder I have such horrible PTSD. Everything on the line.
I think about the girls a lot but mostly, am okay with some time apart I guess. I don’t know how it’s supposed to be. America is weird. I guess it’s normal to not talk a ton esp when kids are in their twenties. We didn’t with our parents. I was looking through albums though and noticed that there was a lot of stuff we did with them when they were in college and after college. It’s definitely drifted off lately. I don’t know how to make that better. It seems harder to schedule things w/ their busier social lives and jobs. It is what it is, and I feel sort of tired. But so much love and gratefulness for our family. It’s there.
I don’t want to get into ruts with eating. People eat SO MUCH FOOD in this country. We eat and drink and sort of just do that and get fat.
I am glad to be getting out more but have to watch the booze and food. I have gained weight since the wedding and the pain makes it impossible. I hope that changes. No, it will change.
Read today that a couple went from “What if?” to “What would it take?”
With exercise, I know it’s about the morning which means it’s about the evening beforehand too.
So that’s it.