More shots today.
Hips and pelvis.
Jay and I had a good talk the evening before about routine and getting things done.
My brain frequently feels gunky. He said I used to be able to do a million things and keep track of tons of things w/o working at it. Now I need routines like the rest of the universe.
He has a good point. I think I’ll still look into testing and meds maybe.
The shots have produced pain today, but it’s for a good cause I guess.
Jay and I had a confusing conversation last night. I was in a marketing meeting, and I guess I created stress for everyone. I feel like there’s stress all the time. Jay flies really close to the sun on everything. We are getting revenue but with it is coming more work and implementations and staff to manage. It’s just a shit load of work.
I don’t do well in these settings for the most part. I like challenges but this has always been chaos that unfolds everyday. Jay has always been stressed and stresses people out around him. He has gone out of the gate without a plan of how to do much of anything so he has people behind him cleaning up and making it all happen. It caused me to have a nervous breakdown.
So he mentioned that he is seeing that certain people shouldn’t work in start-ups and maybe I should work in a university and I stressed him and another employee out today in this meeting. He did his normal thing of saying offensive things w/o meaning to be hurtful.
He was accurate in saying that I like the social interaction, but the way the company functions is anxiety-producing for me. He said he can tell that I can see what needs to be done, but I don’t have the means to make it happen. He’s right on that point. I just am always amazed at how he often says the opposite I guess of what he’s thinking or maybe he’s actually saying what he really means and it’s his way of saying passive aggressive things.
Either way, I went to bed and had a nightmare and here I am.
I feel somewhat paralyzed at work with all this training. It’s sortof his MO; throw people into things and hope it all lands well.
We are getting big contracts in so things are working on many levels. It’s just not my jam. I don’t feel passionate about it all and get antsy being there all day long. Some of that is just me and my jittery way of living and being and thinking.
I am starting to feel more proud of what we’ve done and understand myself better as well.
I feel like we’re getting closer but biz stuff is still a challenge mostly due to our styles.
That’s that.
One of my goals however is to see things more positively, to step back and go wow, this is kind of amazing. Like, what would I want instead?
So I vacillate and then feel awful that I’m not more grateful or aware of all we’ve done, all Jay’s done.
Then I feel shitty and go back and forth.
I think a healthy balance is being grateful and appreciative of all I’ve done and he’s done, but also be honest and have boundaries. Both/and, not either/or.