A profound weekend.
I’m trying to listen to what is happening during each week and wonder what I’m supposed to be hearing and learning. I’m trying less to determine what I need to do and be guided, by my true self and the spirit which are entwined.
This week, I’ve heard my body say, “You can’t know the future until you deal w/ the past and your inability to be in the present.” I knew somehow this had to do as well w/ my anger about so many things.
Today, I wasn’t sure what to do, my often listlessness when it comes to an empty day, and I’m unsure what to do.
I’m not sure if I suggested it or Jay did, but I ended up doing some work at the office on the logos and then headed to the lake. We decided that I’d go first and then he came too.
It seems so luxurious but it’s only 30 minutes and even driving two cars, cheap fun.
So I went out around 3 and stayed there for several hours on the beach reading and then spending time in the water.
In the water, I just stood facing the sun and tried to empty my mind and let my body speak and feel, not demanding anything other than being present.
Slowly I felt the energy and immensity of the lake and all the land around me, the sky above, all the mountains, the stones, all of it tell me that it’s time to release my pain into the water and to let the water carry it away.
I let my hands drift at my sides, imagined holes that just allowed all the hate and anger, questioning and misery, drift out and be carried away.
I realize somehow I’ve felt I’ve needed to figure it all out before I could release it. Somehow, that I’m godlike and need to know or understand, put it up in a package with a bow and then we’ll move on.
There isn’t any wisdom tradition, any religion or belief system worth it’s merit, that says to figure things out then you’ll find freedom.
It’s always about releasing things to the greater Being that will carry that, will transform it like the seeds that die then grow again.
In my insanity of grief and fear, many times over I’ve used anger and clenching as an illusion of protection. It’s been exhausting and has exhausted my mind and body.
When I finally realized I could create boundaries and get a measure of protection on my own, by say yes and no, I could start to relax and realize, I can’t live this way.
So I am trying to let the bigger things of the world handle the truly big things of the world. The lake has my woes and will do the magic that big nature does w/ darkness. The Mother knows how to turn our sadness into beauty, the butterfly from the caterpillar, the smooth rocks from the craggy stones.
I also spent considerable time reading Joy Harjo’s book Crazy Brave. She talks about what happens to your body when you don’t let your art come through. I have much to learn.
Very minimal pelvic pain. What a joy. I just felt it also as I let the pain and trauma leave my body.
Later we found a new restaurant that was blew our minds and felt easy and relaxed to be together.
This is possibly one of the most healing things I’ve ever done. The somatic experience of it all… this is what I need more of. Not more therapy, more meds, more thinking, more techniques.
I need more of something bigger than me that can take away my pain and give me back a butterfly.
Freedom.
Lake Coeur d’Alene, ID