I let the water take away my pain, my trauma, my memories, my resentments, my determination to stay angry.
What the water took away, it’s now given back.
Things are happening. I feel less stressed, triggered, confused. I’m less angry. I care less about everything about what is happening in the moment. I don’t want to be stressed anymore. I’m tired of hating and being so tied up about perfection and everything being exact. Our addiction to efficiency is killing us.
*****
Tonight I came home and Jay was sitting in his chair like he always does.
For the first time in my life with him, I thought, “Wow, how amazing that I have someone here that cares about me.”
My whole life has been for some reason about what’s wrong with whatever situation I’m in. I’ve viewed Jay as someone that’s 50 going on 80.
Honestly, that’s mostly my problem.
I’ve projected my shadow and my fears about not doing anything creative with my life onto him.
It’s not his job to make those things happen for me.
He is who he is. He’s a brilliant geek that loves routines, and sometimes that’s what I am too.
I’ve been hiding my shadow side w/ all it’s creative energy, because it’s scared me. That’s the honest to god truth. I wonder sometimes about the Obscuris in the Fantastic Beasts movies and stories. What’s hiding inside of me that makes me so angry?
All the things that have culminated in the last three weeks:
Oppositional energy: not only do you have the thing that stresses you, but you oppose that thing as well in some way. Headspace talked alot about this in Series 2 of the Letting Go of Stress series. Oppositional energy is blocking and distracting.
This topic also came up in the Welcoming Prayer where you welcome whatever is in your life believing it is there to heal you in some way
Kay talking about how nothing is bad.
My dream/vision where I woke up with the complete sentence in my mind: “You cannot move into the future until you deal w/ the past and the present.”
My time in the lake
Now this week and last feel like a new life. I feel like I’ve shed layers of skin and am experiencing life in a completely new way.
I do feel less stressed. We had a horrible call w/ our largest client, and I realized I just didn’t want to worry about it. I wanted to just know it would be okay even though it wasn’t a great experience. They wouldn’t quit over a bad call.
I didn’t get triggered my my mom freaking out on me.
I’m not stressed at work although I should be. I have a ton of training content to create, but figure it’ll get done how it’ll get done.
And then tonight, coming home and realizing, “There’s someone here that loves me and is here for me, always.”
I never thought those thoughts before.
I’ve been an unhappy person because of my own fear of acting on my creativity and by seeing the negative instead of the positive, instead of being in the present and letting go of the past.
The pure divine that spoke to me was so kind to give me one last chance. You’ve been through 4 years of spiritual direction and therapy, and you’re still not getting it. You’ve come along way, but you still haven’t let go. It’s like Bilbo and the Ring; you still have it. Hard to let go of a pattern so ingrained: I’ve been wronged and the hurts are too big to let go of and to also have to then do something else, be someone else, take responsibility for my actions and attitudes.
Big, big, biggest thoughts tonight as I head to bed.
*****
And for all that gloriousness, I’m also realizing I’m sick of myself pondering myself.
I’m ready to have fun.
I’m tired of being serious.
Being present means being real.
I don’t think being this serious and introspective is being present.
I’m tired of navel-gazing.
I’ve had to do it to survive and to understand what it is that has happened to me, how to heal my brain and get things back to where they belong. I wasn’t able to really even enjoy things.
The things that would pull you out I guess, music, art, comedy, it was all like sand. Nothing had any color or flavor or excitement or energy. It was like the receiver was broken for all the energy waves you’d normally respond to. I didn’t really have anywhere to go but myself. The only thing that helped some were stories. They sortof got in somehow somewhere and kept me going a little bit, just a tiny little light.
Jay helped create the mess, but not all of it.
Some of it I can see now was from conditioning I had going in that got worse, some just due to my own ways of thinking and being, some of the conditioning I received in my younger years.
All in all, it’s just time to move on.
Jay said this evening my face looks different. I look more relaxed, less tense. He said I look like I’ve just accepted life, finally.
It’s amazing that can show up on your face and that we as humans can pick up on that.
I’m glad to have lived to see this day. I hope there are many more.