We made it.
We’ve been entertaining in some fashion Jay’s birth mother for over a week, eight days to be exact in two different cities.
We are utterly exhausted.
Had we known, we would have made the trip coming here much shorter. I think it was a gracious move on Jay’s part to have her come here but was very stressful to have a bio mom in town when you are not letting the adoptive mother know. We didn’t want to run into friends, acquaintances we’ve made in restaurants, stores, parks, etc. We had to fly below the radar and then spend time together every day.
We are slowly processing pieces of it. Jay said it’s been healing to get to know her. She’s a good person, interesting, smart and kind. The dynamics of meeting someone however like this is exhausting. There are so many things in relationships that you take for granted. You go into the relationship typically slowly or it’s someone you’ve always known, like a family member. You chose the relationship. You have history. There aren’t secrets or strange side issues that are lurking. Those are the people you are in relationship with.
So you’re managing things that are usually taken for granted. It takes more energy than you realize until you’re in the middle of it.
In our case this past week, we didn’t have a choice. I realized a few days in that it was going to take a lot out of me to go the distance the full week. I knew we’d have to just dig in and do the best to be good hosts and make her feel welcome and at home.
The confusing and interesting part was we had fun often when we were together. She is a lovely person. There is just too many other things around it all for it to work well at least in our hometown. I wish it was different but right now, it’s not, mainly because we can’t tell his mom or family really.
It’s also hard as this is her only child. Seeing her around my kids, I realized I was really feeling threatened as I didn’t know what she wanted in all this. We had good talks that helped alot, but that added to my stress at least.
Tonight to celebrate and relax, we went down to a favorite place called Klinks and had dinner. I sat there and took in the scene. We got lucky and a great jazz band came down to play on the patio. We stayed as long as we could out there, but they made all kinds of signals they wanted our table. We were ready to go anyhow, but it’s funny how that works.
I took in the lead singer’s outfit, their instruments, the temperature of the air, the water, the birdsong, the family near us with three kids. I wanted to bring it all home w/ me as a complete memory.
I sense I’m changing in how I’m viewing life. I’m more reflective and calmer. I feel better in my body and am not deeply sad like I used to be. I’ve had a lot of physical pain this week, but am not in a death spiral of despair.
So I just enjoyed taking in the scene and was pretty mellow about it all.
I hope that doesn’t mean my fun days are over, and I’m just someone waiting for a country drive. I’m just happy to be alive and enjoying all the stunning basics best I can.
Speaking of that Megan Rapinoe gave a stunning speech in NYC this week after their World Cup win. It was crazy because she talked a long time, but she spent half of it thanking everyone. I was like, “This is what it’s like when a female gets up and gives a speech after winning a world championship.” It just made me love women so much, love so much how we want to build communities and knit people together and care. We are strong and we also care. I love that.
That’s it.
Well, no.
We also went out in the afternoon to Lake CdA and were like, it’s summer and it’s time to get this party started. I love summer. I love how relaxed I am right now. I love that my body is different, our relationship is different, my mind is clear. I feel I’m being reborn.
I’m also going to totally get a shorter haircut to deal w/ the gray grow out. Gonna happen.
Also got the steroids today and I think it’s helping. Still in pain but receding. Whacky and painful and stressful.
This has all made me REALLY APPRECIATE what I have. To live in it and not be able to live my life… yeah, not again.