Drove to Seattle today via Hwy 2. Not sure if I’ve ever driven that by myself from that direction. It was really nice, very relaxing and soothing. It got tiring as I had to drive slower on I-90 due to the car issues, but Hwy 2 is 60 mph anyhow so just the way it was.
I kept reminding myself that I was in a car, driving very quickly, doing something wealthy people hundreds of years ago could only dream of. It’s all relative.
It’s nice to be calmer and less reactive, more present for others. KT and Sam are buying a house it looks like! I’m so glad I decided to go ahead and come over and not stay in town and ruminate and clean and work. I have really needed a break and i made it happen. I let it sort of unfold and it’s working out super well.
I feel like I’m unwinding and trying to be more grateful, listen to my divine self and listen to others. Bring it all in, bring in nature, love, God, all the goodness I’ve used all along to direct my life. Just more of it.
My back is okay today from the shots. Not horrible, tight, but can feel some looseness in my pelvis which is good.
On we go.
At PT today, there was a funny poster in the bathroom. It was a photo blown up of a biker sort of biking toward you. Next to the biker, someone had put a smaller photo cut out of a bear, also coming right at you. So it looked like the biker was either being chased by the bear or the bear was running next to him, like a dog.
What it made me think of though is how awesome it is when people are cheeky like that. It made me want to either create or look for cheeky things, like everyday.
My life is still way too serious. I just need ways to break me out of that, being I’m intense and married to someone very intense.
It might be a good thing, to have that to look for wherever I am.
PS While having car troubles today, some of the awful thoughts started swirling about us being sucky and not having anything but old cars, etc. I basically said to myself this is shit talk, and we don’t do this. If you don’t like it, change it, but don’t be a whiny bitch about it. DON’T BE A WHINY BITCH. Can I make that my new life tagline?
I haven’t in the past felt I could make decisions and change things like that. I felt helpless and at the whims of others.
So. No more of that.
I asked myself while driving what it’d be like to be resilient, smart, handle it like a boss. Blaming things on my husband is stupid usually. Being scared is stupid. Not solving the problem is stupid.
So I figured my odds, stopped at the mechanic in Ritzville to confirm some things about the overheating and went on my way across the state. He said I was being smart. Again more confirmation of my amazing skills I constantly downplay like a psycho.
So my nephew was talking to me today about someone he knows that’s got sociopathic tendencies. What’s the opposite of that? What’s the opposite of thinking you’re amazing and lying about it and having no empathy? What’s it called when you actually are in fact amazing with amazing skills and brainpower, but you struggle to believe in them and in yourself? Where you pathologically downplay your abilities, self-sabotaging all the way. What’s the opposite of all that?? Like, the sociopath antonym? Whatever THAT is, that’s me. It’s diabolical, strange, twisted which sounds way sexier than it is.
Chew on that, mother fuckers (more sexiness).