The problem of forgiveness befuddles me.
It has been easier to forgive and understand my father as he has been gone for over twenty years.
My mother continues to be a challenge. Her behaviors confuse me and hurt me. She is kind and also hurtful, probably not unlike a lot of people.
I wish I had some phrases and slogans to just knock this out of my life once and for all. So unrealistic.
I think it’s the ongoing nature of the pain that makes it so hard.
It just continues.
I can tell myself that it’ll be okay this visit and then it’s not. The history there was never resolved. The pain from all the old stuff just has been compounded with new stuff. It’s a relationship that’s been destroyed that I can’t fully extract myself from.
I need some time meditating around this to get a sense of what the root is.
I think ultimately it has to do w/ unkindness, the powerlessness, the feeling that this person who is unkind pulls me back into her sickness and I can’t feel safe to pursue my own life. It feels like a deep sickness that I’ve tried to eradicate from my life, this idea that you have to be loyal regardless of how you’ve been treated.
These are often kind people. The people at their new property really love them. Maybe compared to others, they’re a dream.
To family, they’ve been extremely challenging.
I want to be free of this. I need still more help.
*****
I know one thing that consistently helps is to refocus on other things. There is something about hurtful events that makes me and my body feel unsafe. So I focus on it, try and solve it, try and make it go away permanently. That’s just not possible.
Refocusing on healthy, wonderful things that are real in my life, what a great way to reframe my existence and even create compassion for the people who are being hurtful.
I have a beautiful life. These hurts do not have to ruin me. I can control the events and how much time I spend w/ people. I have car keys.
So what am I thankful for today? I’m not at war. I’m not hungry. I have friends. I’m talented. I can walk and be healthy and exercise. I have kids that love me, an amazing husband, a spiritual life that is flourishing.
*****
I spoke to mom later this afternoon, employing a strategy that’s been successful thus far, which is to be alternately engaged in some other activity while talking with her. It helps me feel less like I’m being drug into something awful or will get triggered.
She was very tearful and sad today, kindof whiny actually which again, sounds so awful. I’m realizing how toxic it has been for her to constantly be looking outside herself for help and stabilization. When she’s faced with something difficult, she needs others to validate her or tell her what to do or where to go.
I offered to help w/ the main chore she’s facing that’s intimidating her.
I realized today that I can offer help for stressful things, sort of like a volunteer would, but I can’t make things better. She’s going to have a lot of sad days because of how they’ve lived up until now. I can’t make her happy.
So for some reason, that was really good to process and understand.
I keep coming back to this situation to find the nuggets of truth I can have to hang onto each day. I want to have a sane life right now that doesn’t hinge on my mom’s happiness. I at the same time want to continue to honor her. What a challenge, but it’s a challenge millions face.
So there we go.