Today Jay and I had breakfast in the kitchen together.
Or I should say he hung out while I had breakfast and did dishes.
We talked about my future, and he made some amazing observations that deal w/ the area of external locus of control. He said yesterday twice I spent considerable time processing this stuff w/ mom and family. He said you spend so much time on all of this and nothing on yourself.
He said he sees two tragedies happening: what’s happening w/ me is worse than what’s happening with my mom. He said I’ve never had a chance to just be me, to put myself first. He says it’s a real tragedy.
It really struck me how I focus on others and not myself. There are so many ways to twist all this.
It was a significant breakthrough for me.
We were driving to some friends for dinner and drove by someone’s house I see quite a bit. I started to talk about them and fill the space w/ talk about them and stopped myself.
Instead I told the story about running into the photographer and his wife at the museum and I’m going to join their group discussions on art and also her personal art workshop.
It felt like a vibrational connection with them and hopeful for the future. So I talked about that instead.
He said when he brings stuff like this up, I change the subject. I’m more comfortable talking about others than myself.
This is pretty significant.
It’s easier to stop something when you can see it.
I’m grateful for a partner that cares this much about me. It seems surreal. I feel fortunate. I am hopeful I can return some of that as I feel safer around him as he opens up. He deserves that kind of love and attention too. I’ve done okay over the years, but in his dysfunction, he’s done better in the area of awareness of some of these things. He was disconnected, but aware somehow. It’s been very, very strange.
We are both recovering identities lost in our own ways. It’s bringing us closer together but