I’m weary.
I know a lot of people that have longer and harder days.
We have friends that employe refugees. One of their employees has to take 3 buses to get to work after dropping off her kids at daycare. She has a much harder life as I sit here in my quiet, warm house w/ a laptop and nice lighting.
But.
I’m training new employees and they seem to be picking things up. It wasn’t a well-planned rollout of training but it’s been adequate.
I’m leaving tomorrow for San Fran and wish I wasn’t. Or I wish I was leaving at like 11 am. For some reason, I booked a seriously early flight, something I don’t do.
I also dealt w/ family stuff today, mostly getting the last big check in the bank from the gold sale. These are crazy things that we’ve had to deal with. The bright side was getting to hang out w/ my brother again and see each other more.
I am calmer and less uptight so I don’t feel like I’m on edge or trying to force a conversation. My change has made things better I think.
I’m sitting here also just trying to take a moment and process how I’m starting to work and think about my future only because my pain is diminishing.
I just sent a $1000 check to the doctor who has been doing my shots. That has been the best money I’ve spent in a long time.
But my pain is really, really subsiding.
Starting a few weeks ago just, I started to realize I was having hours a day without much pain. The sensations were still there, but often I would forget for a few hours that I was managing pain.
That trend picked up quickly and now here we are, a few weeks out and I’m all badass starting to run a bit and sit more and I’ve dropped off some on my stretching which is bad.
I just don’t want to forget what it’s been like to live in chronic pain since July and then on and off again since last fall.
I need to record things so I don’t forget.
However I’ve stopped some of that recording because that’s all I used to do and then realized I never go back to it.
Anyhow… it’s been a journey I don’t want to forget is the thing.
The other thing, I’ve decided this is one of my very favorite times of year. I love it in November when the seed pods and twigs and things have all dried and are just literally gorgeous. I was at a meeting tonight and in the light of my headlights, I spotted the most gorgeous pods and turns out, I believe they were hollyhocks or delphiniums. I did break off a few as I don’t think it matters to the plants at all.
I’m just addicted to nature; being in it, having it in my house, watching the seasons, being more connected to seasons. I’m wondering how to make money being outside in it a bit more.
But I want to remember this pain I’ve had for so long and be respectful of it and for all I feel the divine did to help get me to this point where I got help. It reminds me of the journey I went on the first time back in 2010 when the finally result was finding my pelvic PT person. That wasn’t enough this time.
So thank you to the universe and God and myself for not giving up and using everything that happens to bring good.
I am really feeling happy. I am feeling hopeful. I feel energy and not depression and the anxiety is even fading.
Lately I’ve been really trying to embrace the morning routines and the body centering and also just letting go of anger and feeling people down in my heart space that have even hurt me.
I’m also realizing how much anger I’ve had that I have to let go especially for people that have hurt me but also tried very much to love. I think of my mom and all she did and tried to make our home better than what she had. She knocked it out of the park on so many levels. I can be grateful for that and separate those memories out from the dysfunction and these later years, the extreme right-wing craziness and boundary-crossing.
That desire to release anger is really opening up interesting pathways and ways of thinking and being.
I am grateful and don’t want to push things with my pain. I want to be reasonable and also stay disciplined w/ my exercises and stretching and strengthening. I’ve gotten away from them some. So easy to do.
Onward.