I had a very strange experience today.
I was on a plane and had just woken up from a nap. I was sort of disoriented and out-of-sorts, not sure what I really felt like doing or wanted to do. Then my mind sort of went in this little loop: food, alcohol, reading, games, music, movie, comedy. I circled through the list a few times. Nothing sounded good.
Then for some reason, I sort of realized what had just happened. Some kind of program had just run, almost in an autonomic way. I once again felt freaked out by how much my life is being run by this program or series of programs that I didn’t ever really create per se? But have been created by some of my small and big choices, biology, modeling around me and a billion other things.
So I sat there and was like, okay wow. That was like a computer program and a Wheel of Fortune experience that just happened. I participated in it, in that it just started and then at the end, what was strange, was I then had an emotional reaction to what the decision was, which is what triggered my inquiry, which was that none of the options sounded interesting. THEN. I felt sad and sort of bummed, like, what do I do now? I’m bored. None of the usual distractions sound interesting.
That’s when I realized how crazy this is. To be waiting for something interesting to be distracting as opposed to pursuing something or pondering something.
So I went back to my morning mantra/image which was walking around the pond with the sun coming up, shining and reflecting on the opaque ice w/ the ducks there. I wanted to try and access my true self instead of just numbing out.
This just fascinates me, and reminds me of so much that I’m learning about our minds and the verses in the Bible that talk about transforming your mind and on and on for thousands of years… get control of your mind. It’s not really you. It runs you but isn’t you, per se.
On identity. How do you put an identity back together? So much of my life sort of collapsed in 2015 and 2016. My kids left. Best friends moved. Left church. Left work. Might have left the marriage.
Who am I? What is next?
Today I really worked on just focusing on what I can do, learning it and not freaking out about things I’m not perfect at. I still get really scared and anxious. Alot. I worry and obsess alot and can’t believe how much life I’ve lost worrying.
Do what I can do. The thing I keep saying to myself is that a life of fear is way worse than anything I’m afraid of. A life of fear is actually hellish. It creates its own hell that you actually should be worried about. Really worried. Seclusion. Loss of friendships. Loss of athleticism. Paralysis. A narrowing world. On and on. It’s not like being home is a bad thing, but this isn’t like that. It’s not being who you’re supposed to be, whatever that is.
So yeah, I’m just done worrying, to the best of my ability. When things happen that aren’t ideal, it’s like, whatever. Today getting ready for this trip, I didn’t worry much. We just pulled it off pretty easily. I wasn’t too stressed. It’s really nice. It’s really, really, really nice.
So yeah, here in SD w/ our friends, our very most amazing friends that I really, really miss. It’s good to be with people you’re so comfortable with, have so much history with, and are so easy around. It’s a huge blessing. I can’t wait to just be here a few days and enjoy the family.
Sometimes I think I should spend the money in therapy on visiting our friends.