I am not sure I’ve had a week like this in a very long time.
Last Friday I began having worse pelvic pain. I went and saw the doc. Then another one. Then the hearing w/ Dr. Ford. Then the colonoscopy.
The last 10 days, I’ve felt oddly taken care of and respected. Multiple care providers have commented on how I’ve put together a team of providers to help me manage my pelvic pain, like cutting edge practices. One friend we had dinner w/ said after she talked to me, she then talked to her sister who just attended a clinic on pelvic pain. They said to basically do the protocol I’m doing: internal and external muscle release work and occasional pain or muscle relaxing meds.
So I go into my week feeling better even though I was poked and prodded multiple days.
I’ve had a great deal of help from the medical professionals I’ve seen, all across the spectrum. I’m glad we have good health care, but we also end up doing private pay stuff quite a bit.
What a crazy ride.
If I hadn’t been in that car accident a year ago, I wouldn’t have had some of this knowledge about muscle release. What’s it all supposed to mean? Now I’m able to pass it along to my own daughter who needed that knowledge for her back. She was really on the edge. It came at the right time.
Somehow all of this is part of a spiritual life. I don’t know how. I know some of it is us reaching out for help and doing what we can. Some of it is God or the divine reaching to guide and direct.
Sometimes though, things don’t all come together. There aren’t neat formulas.
I was feeling pretty depressed as I started writing. Then I talked to El and felt better. Some of that is I just am too isolated. I’m not getting out with people enough. I don’t know how I’m helping and adding value to the world. I have gifts and skills and I know things and it just feels all stopped up inside.
I hope I can figure out how to get all that to come together somehow. I feel humbled by this season. God/divine/energy/flow, I continue to seek for the wisdom of the world for my own healing and to share with others. I don’t want it to feel glory, but I want to feel a sense of purpose again.
I’m drying some apples to take to our friends we’re going to visit and also to Seattle for the kids. I gave some to Jay’s mom this am when we had breakfast. That felt good, to be helpful and do some things for harvest. Minimal but fun. I can’t compare. Someone is doing more than me; someone doing less.
We had our group this eve, the Tiny Mighty Community. We added a new family. They have three kids, all wonderful girls. They have been out of church a year. We need to have the over for dinner and just to hang out and process. I think they feel a lot of trauma with it all. They are a beautiful family. One of their daughters wrote about our equinox party last weekend. She said she “felt peace” when we were at the park, it was dark, we had our lanterns, it was chilly, we looked at stars, all together. Can I just say I feel amazing about this?
It all goes around. My own family has had limited interest in time together. Others are eager. I just go where the flow is leading, where the love is needed and where I need it. Don’t fight reality so hard. Just let people be, and be yourself.
I have been sending cards in early October to three different people. I decided to stop all of them. I have no idea where my hyper-responsibilty came from. First born? Sexual assault? Christian female guilt?? I asked a friend over the weekend about that. We’re both stunned why we kept doing stuff for our families that had hurt us, even some of the abusers. Neither of us understand that.
So I’m done. Two of these three are just not super responsive as friends. The other is abusive (again, why???) So I’m done. It’s taking too much of my time and energy. I keep sending cards to people I never see and probably won’t. Why send a card to someone you wouldn’t want to have coffee with?? Gawwwwhhh!!
Highlights:
Medical help
Vitamin P kicking in
El’s back better due to good help from my doc
TMC and new visitors
Dr. Ford’s testimony
Next week:
Travel well
Time w/ the fam in Seattle
Spangle, WA