I found a note that had thoughts on it about my Mom.
My reactions to the situation and the relationship swing around like a tether ball. One day I’m angry, one day I’m ambivalent, sometimes I’m relaxed and happy, affectionate and grateful.
The notes talked about how much time I’ve spent worrying about Mom, helping her behind the scenes, staying in touch. I wrote about the meds she didn’t take for years, how she didn’t believe the DNA report when I had it done for them for their birthdays, about the rigid religious and political views.
Then I spend time at the office cleaning things out to get ready for our move and see all the supplies and utensils in the kitchen that she bought years ago. I remember she said it was a way we could be guaranteed to see each other at least once a week.
We’re at a place of comfort and that’s good enough for now. I hope we can stabilize the financial plans and make sure they don’t change health insurance this fall. Last night, she asked if I’d heard of a medical Christian coop and maybe they should consider that?
On it goes.
Paradox. How often are relationships a paradox?
How much can I love my mother and also be sad and frustrated with how things have played out. The more I know about their childhood, the more I understand. The more I understand, the less angry I am and more able to focus on and remember the hundreds and hundreds of acts of love from her and even my Dad.
That’s honestly what I want to remember. That’s what I want to steer our relationship now and how I want to remember the past.
*****
I went to a print-making workshop/open house at Spark tonight. It was fun to get out and do something creative with a lot of other people. It was fun to mix paint and see what I could do and what others were doing.
I felt some sadness/anxiety being there but not significant. I just have been out of the art scene for so long, in terms of making art. I’ve been focused on writing for the last year or so with note-taking before that.
My ass pain is really horrid. I’ve taken too much Advil so my ears are ringing. I’m close to running out of Hydro so I’m afraid to take any more as I don’t know what they’ll say about a refill w/o a visit.
I really screwed something up a month ago when I was in Moscow. I’m scared. I haven’t been scared about this stuff for a very long time. I’ve had several months of no spot pain. This is new pain, sharp and in a slightly different spot. It’s right next to my standard spot.
I haven’t felt this low in quite a while. I feel hopeless. Just when I get going, something sets me back. Right now, it feels like more chronic pain and just barriers to getting into a class or something. I haven’t gotten back to signing up for something. I feel pressure to make money and not just take time to figure all this out.
I feel like all my faults are glaring me in the face. Most of my friends have full-time jobs; I’m just now getting functional and balanced.
I’ve read more of the articles that my friend sent. I guess I really was broken even beyond what I realized. I don’t know how to keep just trying harder to the next day when like today, I just feel like I’ve slipped backwards.
So sitting here just crying, mourning the life I can’t seem to every full engage with.
I also gained some weight on our vacation, more than I realized. Pastries and beer; what else would I expect?
*****
Really, really low day on Sunday. Pelvic pain was super bad last night. I basically had a panic attack.
I don’t know what this new/same pain is. It got super bad last night, like, I can’t stop this pain. Then I was shaky and sick from taking too much Advil. I thought I’d try to load up on that to not have to take pain meds. So I just freaked out.
Today was a rest day and didn’t want to do much, just whatever I felt like in the moment, but that didn’t mean be recovering from pain. I wandered around a bit aimlessly. I fixed my Scottish spoon. Or I tried to fix it and I couldn’t really so I left it broken in two and just sanded the ends and we’ll see if I end up using them separately.
My pain came and went today. I am trying to massage the pain area more. I don’t know what will happen. It’s better tonight so that’s very, very good.
I also worried about getting into the doctor and running out of pain meds. I started the muscle relaxers again just to see if I can find something that works.
I texted back and forth with AH a bit. I tried to be more honest about how hard this has been, that I feel like a failure. I’m in this weird transition phase, and i just look at everyone else doing well and accomplishing things and feel like shit. This comparison thing we do to each other, that I allow myself, is really bullshit.
So this was a quick text exchange:
Me: Trying to use the tools I’ve been learning and not fall back into old patterns like you mentioned. It’s hard to be “healthy” when alot of those types of things are new.
It’s like you’re stressed and trying something new to not be stressed, which can be inherently stressful!
AH: Oh my goodness - you hit that right on the head!
Me: No wonder people just keep drinking. Or whatever. Like, duh.
So writing that actually made me feel a little better. This IS really hard. I really don’t have great, automatic reactions yet, but I have some basics which I didn’t use to have.
Highlights:
Pain got better by the end of the week after it ramped up during the week
Beautiful times at the beach and with Jay
Next week:
Keep working on current plans for the future
Be more open to God/spirit and spend time listening
Gearhart, OR