I feel full after the weekend visit with the girls. I feel lighter. I feel less negative. I feel hopeful that I can move ahead with some sense of confidence. I am tired of being depressed and down, of doubting myself still. I don’t quite know how to process all of that but I am determined to. I like how I feel this evening and I don’t want it to feel tenuous. I want this to me by new normal.
Yesterday in AlAnon, I led and talked about changed attitudes. L’s reading had to do with refocusing on things that are positive, not just saying that you need to be more positive and less negative. That made a lot of sense. When the negative is so present, it’s easy to do. Sometimes it’s truly negative and sometimes its our perception of the negative.
So here’s to continually reshaping my reality to be more positive, less negative, more focused on what I can change-attitudes, behaviors, thoughts and less on things I can’t- past, truth, people.
Interestingly, today the topic for Rohr’s readings was this:
"We are not free until we are free from our own compulsiveness, our own resentments, our own complaining, and our own obsessive patterns of thinking. We have to catch these patterns early in their development and nip them in the bud. And where’s the bud? It’s in the mind. That’s the primary place where we sin, as Jesus himself says (Matthew 5:21-48). Any later behaviors are just a response to the way our minds work. We can’t walk around all day writing negative, hateful mental commentaries about other people, or we will become hate itself."
In a most succinct and perfect summary, Paul says that you should “Pray with gratitude, and the peace of God which is beyond all knowledge, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). First, you must begin with the positive, with gratitude (which might take your whole prayer time). Second, you need to pray as long it takes you to find “peace,” to get to a place beyond agitation (whether five minutes or five hours or five days). Third, note that he says this is a place beyond “knowledge,” beyond processing information or ideas. Fourth, you must learn how to stand guard, which is what many call “creating the inner witness” or the witnessing presence that calmly watches your flow of thoughts (mind) and feelings (heart). Finally, you must know what the goal is: your egoic thoughts can actually be replaced with living inside the very mind of Christ (en Christo). This is not self-generated knowing, but knowing by participation—consciousness itself (con-scire, to know with).
Paul then goes on to suggest that we fill our minds “with everything that is true, everything that is noble, everything that is good, everything that we love and honor, everything that can be thought virtuous or worthy of praise” (Philippians 4:8). I call this “replacement therapy.” If we don’t choose love and compassion, the human mind naturally goes in the other direction, and we risk joining a vast majority of people who live their later years trapped in a sense of victimhood, entitlement, and bitterness."
Years ago, I read an article in a parenting magazine that talked about Christmas. It discussed how parents wanting to downplay Santa and consumerism might want to be sure and replace it with something better. Just removing something unpleasant isn't the same as having a positive life. Kids won't feel warmth for spiritual life or beliefs if their memory is one of just having no presents under the tree.
I guess it's much the same here. I can't expect new life to flourish when I focus on the old ways of thinking, even ones I'm trying to change.
Today, I'm also reflecting on wanting to be a better partner to Jay and enjoy our life together. It would be nice if it was more fun; I don’t know how to make that happen. I get sad a bit when I think of that or see other people where it’s easier. I laughed quite a bit with the kids and I think even that is really wonderful, to laugh and feel connected over shared thoughts and experiences. Jay and I don’t laugh together and my #1 value when I took that personality test with the coach last year was humor… so how does that work then? I don’t think it’s a deal breaker but I don’t know how that works. I guess you have that need met elsewhere.