I wonder what life would be like without kids, like what I'd be doing this weekend instead of driving to Seattle. I'm glad this is the way our life turned out.
I had a call with El last night where she called me out for pressuring her to keep her cat. I have no idea why I am so fixated on the cat and not El’s stress and being overwhelmed. It’s frustrating how I’ve responded. So I apologized and was really glad she called. I’m sure it didn’t help her day at all.
This reminded me of the main issues I’ve had with my mom, that she’s not really aware of me and my needs. She says things and does things that make me feel really unsafe and it’s been that way for a long time.
This was a similar situation. I was more focused on this cat than on El and made El feel unsafe and unsupported. Awesome.
I can't believe how powerful childhood modeling is. Sometimes it feels impossible to change patterns you don't want or like. I'm grateful for teachings on being nonjudgmental and giving the beneift of the doubt. We are all programmed in ways we don't like, in some state of change or not. Judging often means you probably have the same issue and just don't know it.
*****
This morning we had a meeting, and we are trying to process this decision regarding marketing, I was more calm and just listened to Jay. I didn’t react. I said to myself that God is running this company last night as I was going to bed. I don’t have to react or be fearful or question. I can listen and help process and make decisions. So I just was really present for Jay, tried to help, didn’t challenge him or criticize him when he was working on what to say at the meeting.
I am realizing more and more how hard what he’s doing is. He has a ton of pressure that I don’t have. When he tries to figure out what to say, I should be supportive and not critical or reactive especially. But I live still with so much fear and uncertainty in my life. My biggest issue has been feeling unsafe myself within my own body and within our work environment. The drama at work has just exacerbated it. That and certain things just haven't gone well for whatever reason.
I remember standing at the white board several months ago trying to describe something, trying to get a point across. It was really, really hard. I got tongue-tied. I felt like I wasn’t being clear. I rambled. In that moment, I had a lot more empathy for Jay. He is often in the position of being the one to put the idea forward and have it evaluated. It is easy for us as armchair critics to provide our feedback, but ultimately, Jay is the one coming up with the idea and doing all of the very hardest work.
So in that moment at work this morning, I realized again how important it is that I move away from being reactive and critical. I need to know who I am, to know what my identify is. I need to be confident in God’s involvement with our company, that I don’t have to keep spinning plates. I also need to keep backing away as much as possible.
“Let me run your company.” I chew on that frequently. I don’t fully understand what it means and like a good sacred text, the meaning changes and grows over time.
What I DO know that it means is that I should not be trying to run and do everything. I have continuously inserted myself into situations where I don’t have the expertise and I am reacting completely out of fear. It is not healthy and has contributed to some of our negativity and reactivity at work. People feel okay with criticizing Jay or me or the company, questioning in a negative light instead of one that is healthy.
So what does PTSD grow in the garden of your life? This is what it grows and it really sucks. It’s hard to realize how much damage I’ve caused with how I perceive, process and function within the world.
So I need to keep doing better. I need to be deeply involved in AlAnon and accept that my addiction to my own way of thinking is destructive. It’s not inconvenient, it’s destructive. It’s hurtful for me, it’s limiting and it’s hurtful for others. I don’t really have the luxury of not trying to improve myself and get better. If I want to live a fuller life, I need to spend time on these thing every day. Time I could spend relaxing or chilling or doing something else, I need instead to do centering prayer, the personal moral inventory, the program, seeing Kay, exercise, getting into a better community again, I don’t know. It’s a lot of work.
“Everything you want in life is on the other side of fear.” That was a quote from online today. There was a similar quote from the Magnolia Hotel movie, about how what we want is what we desire and fear the most, both.
So yeah, I can’t do much with my life if I am wrapped up in knots about all of this stuff. At work, home, trying to control the universe and whether El keeps her cat or not. I’m still a real mess that’s unfolding into something better.
So that’s all I got for now. Off to do this work, this hard beautiful work full of terror and joy.