We had our Christmas tree hunt tradition with our neighbors this weekend. We figure we’ve been doing it about twenty years.
Seasons and traditions are changing as our kids are older and starting lives of their own.
When they were younger, we did it a weekend in early December. Once they started going off to college, we switched it to the weekend of Thanksgiving when they were home. It’s been that way about eight years I guess.
This year, we did Thanksgiving in Seattle so no tree time. So, back to a weekend in December. This year, our neighbor’s son is bringing his girlfriend.
I realized that a life w/o routines or traditions is sort of sad. You’re always trying to find something to do.
The tyranny of your ego running your days.
The other extreme is that you have so many routines and traditions that there is no freedom. It’s always about that balance and the golden middle as the Swiss say.
*****
I finished up our digital photo album for 2015 recently. It came in the mail, and I spent time looking through it this morning.
Sometimes I wonder what really triggered all of my depression and the breakdown. Looking through the album, the feelings came rushing back.
I was in a state of constant crisis, the main one being this overriding sense that my life was laid out before me, one I didn’t want.
We’d just launched our girls. The business was stressful and demanding. My parents were having health issues.
I could see a life ahead of watching and participating in other people’s lives. What the girls were up to, their friends, their friends friends. My kid’s having kids. Their kids. My friends. My friend’s kids. Those kid’s kids. My parents. My siblings. Their kids. My aunts. Their estates. My parent’s estate. The business. Side businesses. Staff in our business. Their lives, their kids.
I feel sick writing that because that’s what it was.
In headaches and in worry / Vaguely life leaks away
W.H. Auden
In reality, I love alot of that. I have placed a very high value on relationships and community in my life, and I see the fruit of it in myself and in others every day. It’s the counter to our insane culture of isolation, hyperfreedom, the idiot culture, and consumerism.
This isn’t about that.
It’s about really using others as a way to avoid what else you are supposed to do with your life.
I’ve hidden behind my emphasis on relationships as a way to do something that definitely has value as opposed to just watching TV all day. It looks innocent, saintly even.
In reality, it’s impossible to live like this, for me. I set an impossible standard. I feel like a martyr and am okay if people view me like that, almost with pity.
When are you going to do it? When are you going to break out and use your gifts for what’s driving you?
I could see a life of endless helping and monitoring and just this empty life of watching everyone else. It would be easy to say it was a life focused on relationships, and I could present an arguable case that I was doing good work.
But it was ultimately a distraction.
*****
But back to the tree hunt.
So this is how it begins.
I’m 52 years old and today, we had a discussion in the tree graveyard about what size tree to get. “It would a little easier to get a smaller tree,” Jay said.
It made sense actually. The girls aren’t home this year to decorate. All those ornaments stay in their boxes. Those boxes are probably going back to Seattle. I’m actually okay with that being in the minimalism frenzy I’m still in after three years of it which means it’s my new lifestyle and I love it.
But really. “It’s easier to have a smaller tree.” I actually got it. It’s like the condo version of a tree. Smaller, easier, tidier. But immediately in response, I went looking for the biggest tree I could find. Then, that not being reasonable, went looking for basically the same kind of tree we’ve gotten for twenty years: the kind of biggish tree you get in a house that has standard eight foot ceilings. It sort of is close to the ceiling so you cut off the top to be able to put on the star. I understand all of this constitutes “work” in America. I am highly suspicious anymore of anyone trying to cut “work” out of my life.
Why?
Because we aren’t actually working. We’re very stressed, but many of us aren’t working in the classical sense. We don’t use tools. We don’t have callouses on our hands. We aren’t sweaty. We’re very, very, very stressed however.
Why, again?
Maybe our favorite taco joint closed down. The show we’re binging on Netflix disappeared. Our dog is wheezing strangely, making sleep less ideal even w/ the new mattress.
Dear. God. Please.
So now. Keep the damn tall tree, please. Let’s break out the saw from the basement and cut the base off on the back porch like we always do (and for this chore, “we” means Jay… probably why he’s into reducing tree stress). Let’s fill that plastic bucket with water. Have it freeze. Have to knock it off the tree and maybe crack the plastic, then bring it into the basement to thaw and make a “giant mess.” Get out all the tree stand shit and screw the tree into that and it’ll of course be really crooked the first few times. Do all this with some cheery Christmas music playing and your hands end up with real sap on them. Wonder if maybe you should invest in Carharts for next year because toughness.
So I just resisted the convenience of downsizing. I even said across the snow covered field filled with all sizes of trees, “This is how it starts, Jay. This is one foot into assisted living.” He agreed. He didn’t even argue.
We got a normal-size tree. This seems to me to fall into the category of whether we’ll have another dog when the puppers dies. Yes we will. It’s a big hassle and not convenient and a bit expensive, and a dog has all the elements that longevity studies talk about when they talking about having an environment that nudges you toward health. Convenience feels good going down, but causes problems down the road when getting out of the chair for anything at all ala Wall-e just doesn’t make any sense at all.
*****
We spent the afternoon chatting about life and our relationship. We bought an Apple Home device to play more music. I got a subscription to Apple Music. We had a date day basically. And sex.
I felt anxious. I have a way that I function and basically, I live my life and it’s nice to have someone around. But we’re not connected. We don’t share passions. We don’t have laughter or energy or playfulness. We just exist and are polite. So it feels dead, often. To me.
I am not connected to Jay much right now. We coexist and that’s about it. We don’t fight as much as we used to. We aren’t connected though. I wouldn’t say I sing songs about him in my mind when I think of him.
I would like to do that. I’d like to be in love with who I’m married to. I hope that can happen in the days ahead.
Toward the end of the day, I started checking in with my body and emotions and mind. I was anxious. I don’t want to be. Enough.
Elk, WA